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| So, in the last four monthes life has turned its back on me, everything has gotten fucked. It's ok though, I've accepted it, various chemical substances get me through each week. What truely worries me is that I have changed, for the worse, I've developed a taste for a certain white powdery substance, and a certain herbal blend, I dont drink every day anymore but still a bit more than I should. I have very few friends, real friends that is. I feel chewed up, spit out, and abandoned. Yet still its ok, I'm ok. I dont trust other people, but I'm ok with that. I dont let people in, and thats just fine for me. A sober day for me is a bad day for me, not a big deal. I've realized though that I can't keep living this way, over christmas break I'm going to take a trip to new england to see if I think I might be able to start over up there. I'm not sure if it would be running away from my problems or if its just because I dont have any reason left to stay. I never should have come to OSU in the first place, I should have aimed higher, gone to an ivy league school, gotten the fuck out of the bible belt. So I guess my question to myself is what now? what do I do with my life? I was asking what did I do to deserve this? how did this happen? That doesn't really matter anymore. People are shitty creatures and I used to have a bit of contempt for it all, now I am one of those pathetic little creature, now I have contempt for myself. I said at the beggining that this wasn't a depressed entry, and at first sight it would appear that I had lied. Yet all of this and I'm not depressed, just numb, I feel very little sadness in my life, and very little joy. I feel very little emotion anymore, and the most fucked up thing of it is, I'm ok with that, and I know that it should scare me, but it doesnt, I feel no fear. | | |
| In the last 96 hours I really haven't slept, and I haven't touched food in the last 48. I alternate between complete breakdowns and long periods where I feel absolutely nothing, I go completely numb. I opened myself up for the first time in my life and let myself be trampled. The one person I truly cared about in my life spent the last five weeks telling me she was sorry, telling me she loved me, and telling me she cared and that she was going to change. I was a fool to believe her so many times. Now I'm faced with a dilemma, I can walk away and pretend I don't care and let her self destruct, or I can stick around and let it kill me a little more each day. I know that I'm not a perfect person but I wander what it was that I did to deserve this hell.
In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call "The uh-oh moment". When a certain little something happens, and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end. And suddenly you stop and you think, "Uh-oh, iceberg ahead".
I saw that moment a little over a month ago, but I told myself that It was only a one time thing, and I kept with it, and things got worse, and I still kept with it. I love this girl the way I never expected to love anyone but I let her kill me inside. I have no trust anymore, because the one person I never thought would betray me did, I feel anger and melancholy but over all I feel pity.
I came across this statue of a Greek goddess in marble.
Aphrodi... Aphrodite, something like that.
Beautiful, she was. Perfect female form. Chiselled features. Exquisite.
I stood in awe of her. Finally, the teacher calls us all over, and I'm walking past it, and on the way I notice, in the side of this Greek goddess,
all these cracks, chips, imperfections.
Well, that's Nikki. A beautiful sculpture damaged... in a way you don't notice till you get too close
I keep using quote from the movie Alfie, because what I have seen recently reminds me so much of the character nikki from that movie. The true tragedy though is that I'm not like alfie, I can't just walk away, I love, so I am damned. Even now after everything that has happened, after every painful moment that I have scraped through, I love her, and I hope it is not over, and for that I am disgusted with myself. Through all of the pain and rage, there is a hope in me that she will call me and tell me that everything is ok and I will suddenly be able to forgive her and trust her and everything will be as incredible as it once was. We were happy together once, not just happy, I guess I can't speak for her, but I had everything I wanted out of life because I had her love. Now, my life is nothing that I wanted because she has mine. She claims that she will change and if I ever forgive her then we can be together again and be happy again. I just wander how many times she will betray me and herself before that change comes about, and if I will be able to forgive her when the time does come. I wanted to marry her, don't get me wrong I wasn't shopping for a ring but in my heart I knew that I wanted this girl to eventually be my wife, and I cannot imagine a life without her, but I also cannot imagine ever trusting her again. I want it all to be a dream, but I guess you can't dream when you can't even sleep. I have never felt so vulnerable and scared before in my life as I do at this moment, every hour of every day I wait to get a phone call from her to deliver the final blow. Half of me wants to slip back into my old ways of loving only myself and saying whatever it takes to trick a girl into trusting me, the other half wanders if I would even know what to do with another girl. If you don't care about anyone but yourself, there's no way anyone can disappoint you, no way anyone can get beneath the surface and stick needles in your heart. The physical side of the relationship was mind blowing, yet compared to the feeling of being loved on an emotional level, and having that bond of trust, I don't miss it much. I miss the feeling of holding her in my arms and letting all of my troubles vanish, because life was suddenly perfect. I miss laying my head on her chest and hearing her heart beat, and pretending that it was beating just for me, as mine beat for her. I miss that flawless first hug when I had not seen her for a while, and realizing that I made her life special, at least for a while. I miss looking into her eyes and knowing that every one of those feelings were reflected in them. Now I have none of that, now I have nothing except the faintest sliver of hope, that she will love me again someday. | | |
| Why is it that the only time I think to write here is when I'm stressed out or depressed. I'm both now. Looking back at all of my latest posts, they're not very happy, I am a happy person, I was at least, it's hard for me not to think of myself as a happy person. I used to be very happy all of the time, I used to not understand how people could be unhappy, they have a life, they have control, they can do with it as they please. I used to look down on people who weren't happy, now I look down on myself for it. I tell myself that I have a great life, why am I unhappy, every morning when I'm trying to convince myself to get out of bed and start a new day. It's not an easy task, getting out of bed, its become a daily struggle for me just recently. Back when I was a happier fellow, the one thing I wished to change in my life was how I treated other people, I wasn't allways the nicest guy. Now Im hurt daily by how people treat me, I never believed in karma but if its real, it got the better of me. I've put alot of effort into greek week for the last several weeks, we won, I forced a smile to accept the trophy. Still I'm wandering what I can do to be happy again, the one thing that comes to mind is the one thing that has been kicking me while I'm down for the last week. So it looks like I will have another battle to convince myself to get out of bed tomarow. I have responsibilities though, so I will get out of bed, if only so that I don't let someone else down. | | |
| Rollin' down the highway
Like a rocket
Headed to town now
You can't stop it
Got wheel in my hand
As I stand
On the floor
Of the board
Of this car
On the road
-Citizen Cope
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| Hey Xanga, its finals time. But before all that starts im just gonna have a little fun. Kelsey came up to stillwater yesterday, it really was great to see her again. It's good to have her as a freind even if we aren't together. I also found out yesterday that I am going to Punta Cana for spring break. It's with my family but it will still be fun. Its a much classier place than cancun, the drinking age is 18, and there will be cuban cigars... So in short I can't wait. The diving is supposed to be great too. I'm looking forward to chrismas break and just taking it easy for a while, I might get a job working with Kyle but only if its less than 15 hours a week. Last sunday I was elected Assistant Membership Orientation Officer for the Phi Tau's which in short means I'm one of two guys that are in charge of the pledges for the next two semesters. Life is pretty good over all right now, which is refreshing esspecially with finals next week. | | |
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